The Ladbrokes high rollers club

gambling

The rich kids of Instagram have nothing on the high rollers of Ladrbokes. Its Friday afternoon, only a few more hours until you’re free for the weekend, but that freedom is an everyday thing for some. Meet the Ladbrokes high rollers.

The Ladbroke Lads as they like to be known, are a group of 3 from Southampton. Kevin, Danny and Pooky. Kevin the oldest of the group aged 22 said: “We rock up after a late lunch at spoons, gourmet burger meal of course. I spend anything up to a tenner every Friday on accumulators, I only do English prem and Spanish top games on mine, that’s where the moneys at.”

Danny aged 19 said: “I too do the acca’s but I’ll add in a bit of horse racing now and then. If I’ve necked a monster energy I’ll sometimes flex the cash and do a fiver just on one horse race, the bitches love it when I go big on the 3/1 favourite.”

Pooky aged 18 said “The shop has only just started letting me in now I’ve turned 18, so I’m fresh to the game, but I’ll be retiring soon I think as my run on the fruties has been sweet. I’ll put in maybe £8 odd and always win.”

The youngsters are in somewhat denial about their winnings we feel as neither have actually made a profit so far. As an example we asked Pooky what his winnings were per £8 fruit machine play, he said: “mate serious dollar, it’s easily £6 per play and I win that every time.” This of course means Pooky is at a £2 loss each play. So anyone considering a career in gambling, don’t, at least McDonalds pays minimum wage.

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How Jeremy Beadle’s hand jobs were the best says cottagers

jeremybeadle

Yet another showbiz scandal has emerged today. The popular 80s and 90s TV presenter Jeremy Beadle had led a sad secret sexual life frequenting public toilets and becoming one of the greatest glory hole champions according to some.

We spoke with one cottaging fanatic, an anonymous male now aged 62: “Even in his late fifties he was still a rest room favourite, he gave the best hand jobs.”

Beadle known to have suffered from Poland syndrome may actually have brought the disease on by the large number of hand sex he dished out on a regular basis. We were informed that from as early as the 70s Beadle had been giving out 100+ bishop bash sessions to cottagers a week.

Another cubicle deviant who would also like to remain anonymous said: “It was such a turn on, soft delicate little bugger it was, his hand not my johnson I mean.”

Although now coming on 10 years since the TV stars death, this has brought up more bad news for the BBC, who already have a plethora of nonces and sexual weirdos past present on their books, Tony Kimber from the BBC said: “So Jezza indulged in a few cheeky toilet fiddles, at least he’s not fucking dead bodies, which for the record I don’t see what the issue is with that either.”

It seems the BBC is a breeding ground for creepy individuals and actively promotes such behaviour. Watch out, the BBC is about.

Hardcore football fan asks row in front to sit down

Etihad

Manchester City till he dies, is Kevin Jenkins. “A passionate City mad fan is our Kev” said Paul, one of his mates who is also a season ticket holder at the club. However it’s not all football day happiness for the blues fan, Kevin said: “I’m here week in week out, sure I watch the game in between talking about top gear to Paul, but I’ve got a season ticket which means I’m one of the best fans.”

Last weekend Kevin took it upon himself to tap the shoulder of an unfamiliar face sitting in front of his usual seat at the Etihad, Mr Jenkins on the incident said: “I couldn’t believe it, who does he think he is standing up and cheering the boys coming out for the start of the game, he’s only bought a ticket for today.

“Before he starts cheering more and singing at the top of his lungs, I thought I better put him straight.” The season ticket holder then said to the supporter in front: “Do you mind sitting down I can’t see anything, I’ve got a season ticket.”

Kevin then went onto say that the gentlemen knew his place and sat down no questions asked, however we caught up with Paul on his take on the incident, “When Kev asked the bloke to sit down, the guy replied with something along the lines of, who do you think you are you fat specky cunt, if you can’t see then get up off your fat arse and show some support, otherwise fuck up before you get knocked out”

Kevin Jenkins, who isn’t disabled or carrying any injuries, should really be standing up and supporting his team and not talking about irrelevant shite whilst hogging a season ticket allocation. Be a true supporter – Don’t be a Kevin Jenkins.

Train companies blame North Korean missile for delays

train

Train companies are at a loose end when it comes to excuses for trains not running on time. A new excuse has arisen for delays this morning making thousands of passengers struggling on their already pushed time late again.

Nigel Farrow of Southern Rail said: “We raise our prices not for profit, but so we can protect our passengers better, that North Korean missile may have caused injury to passengers travelling with us this morning.”

Southern Rail’s excuse was rather baffling despite the North Korea’s doom tube landing 1000km plus off the Japanese east coast.

City worker Darren aged 37, who commutes from Guildford to London 5 days a week said: “I’m already pushed for time as it is. I can’t get an earlier train due to spending anything up to an hour on the toilet scrolling through facebook first thing in the morning.

I could see logic in delays if the missile was heading for West Byfleet or Walton on Thames. If there’s a delay then there is always more passengers that get on when it finally arrives, meaning seats are scarce and I always end up having to stand beside the doors with the sweaty bloke in his lycra gear, sort it out train companies”

Arsenal squad to have jobseekers allowance claim refused

arsenal

The news broke this morning that under performing English Premiership club Arsenal has had a number of its squad have their jobseekers allowance claims refused. Under the department for work and pensions guidelines for claimants it states: “If you left your job without a good reason, you’ll be classed as making yourself voluntarily unemployed. This may affect your claim for jobseeker’s allowance.”

Recent poor results at both Stoke and Liverpool, adding in the sheer lack of heart shown, players could end up landing themselves with no money when their contracts are up. Arsenal fan Benny Graham said: “look I can imagine getting paid millions can be hard at times, but we deserve better when people like myself have had to remortgage for the price of an Emirates season ticket.”

Arsene Wenger optimistic as ever at the weekend said: “I believe we can be how you say league winners this year, either way I have my vineyard now producing so it’s all going to be ok don’t worry”

We’re not sure if it’s the cabernet sauvignon talking or Arsene has gone full on bat shit bald head Britney, but what we do know is, at 16th position in the premier league, talking of winning the league is sounding rather far fetched at the moment.

Depression rates soar for assembly line robots

wall-e

Day to day living can be hard enough as it is with the pressures of society around us. The price of living is higher than ever and there’s not enough time in the day for relaxation, this can really take its toll on a person. However when everyone expects you to be a badass bounty hunter riding around on a motorbike with a pump action looking for some bird called Sarah Connor in a mixed up crazy story line, reality then sets in and it really blows when actually all you’ve achieved since build launch is a 600 a day production output for compacting airbags into their explosive compartments and a once over with rustoleum every six months.

PX520, also known as Roody to the technicians said: “I’m sick of life at the moment, I’ve no work life balance. I spend 24 hours a day working and my colleagues really push my buttons at times. I want the freedom to take a walk once in a while, maybe do a bit of 5 a side footy or something.”

Roody is not the only robot suffering work injustice, iCleanshit, a 4th gen hoover robot said: “I only work part time and even then I spend that getting verbally abused from the family dog. I feel I’ve no direction in life and doing this meaningless bullshit isn’t helping me mentally whatsoever.”

It could be that iCleanshit’s lack of direction may be down to a mapping path issue caused by pet hair getting clogged, but what’s more than evident is that we are working too many hours just to enrich some assholes bank balance or keeping a landing carpet free of hair and biscuit crumbs. Maybe it’s time we said bollocks to the lot and fucked off travelling.

Contemporary art worth £20m mistaken for fly tipping

art

The city council of Portsmouth has been left red faced today after two of its contractor staff from French owned Colas, of its street waste team took away an art piece thought to be worth in the region of £20m. The blunder happened yesterday as Tony and Dave were on their shift of collecting rubbish called in for fly tipping.

Tony aged 46 of Gamble Road said: “We thought it was just the usual mess people leave behind when they move out”, Dave aged 52 of Walmer Road, Tony’s supervisor said: “Mate if you’d seen it you’d have chucked it away too. We get dibs on the good shit left out, but that wasn’t something we fancied so we lobbed it in the van and off to the dump it went.”

Neither men seemed fazed by their error, both then left to carry on with the day’s shift chanting “blue army!”.

The artist behind the piece has been left understandably distraught. Percy Rudmore B.A, said: “I put my heart and soul into what would have become inspiring to millions of people. I will be taking this matter further with the council regarding compensation.” Portsmouth council wouldn’t speak to us on the matter, but released this statement: “After reviewing the situation further, we find that the so called art piece was nothing more than a children’s plastic kitchen set glued together to form a phallus like shape. We will offer Mr Rudmore a £10 argos gift card for the mishap which is more than generous as the set is currently only priced at £5.99.”