After the circus of old man Mayweather and the straight outta Ireland potato gangster Conor McGregor saw fit to drag out ten rounds of gloves slapsies for us last weekend, Mystic Bacon has spoken and will predict Conor’s next opponent.
Conor McGregor’s next opponent will be: Noel Edmonds
This will be a record breaker with a fight purse of over $600m, that being a 60/40 split in Conor’s favour and the fight type will be a tables, ladders and chairs match. Rumours spark controversy as Noel’s ex-lover Mr Blobby will be helping out in the McGregor camp.
The city council of Portsmouth has been left red faced today after two of its contractor staff from French owned Colas, of its street waste team took away an art piece thought to be worth in the region of £20m. The blunder happened yesterday as Tony and Dave were on their shift of collecting rubbish called in for fly tipping.
Tony aged 46 of Gamble Road said: “We thought it was just the usual mess people leave behind when they move out”, Dave aged 52 of Walmer Road, Tony’s supervisor said: “Mate if you’d seen it you’d have chucked it away too. We get dibs on the good shit left out, but that wasn’t something we fancied so we lobbed it in the van and off to the dump it went.”
Neither men seemed fazed by their error, both then left to carry on with the day’s shift chanting “blue army!”.
The artist behind the piece has been left understandably distraught. Percy Rudmore B.A, said: “I put my heart and soul into what would have become inspiring to millions of people. I will be taking this matter further with the council regarding compensation.” Portsmouth council wouldn’t speak to us on the matter, but released this statement: “After reviewing the situation further, we find that the so called art piece was nothing more than a children’s plastic kitchen set glued together to form a phallus like shape. We will offer Mr Rudmore a £10 argos gift card for the mishap which is more than generous as the set is currently only priced at £5.99.”
With the Game of Thrones season 7 finale tonight, couples across the nation have mixed feelings about tonight’s last season episode. Tom Littledigit from Maidenhead said: “I’m excited to see what happens with the finale, but it does mean I’ll have to make conversation with the missus for the next 12 months when the season ends”
Sarah, Tom’s girlfriend of 3 years, said: “I love dragons and incest, so if there’s none on offer till next year, Tom and I can just talk about the Anita Blake book series”
Tom’s response to the potential conversations about the vampire humping book series were: “I really don’t want to have to listen to another undead orgy tale, it’s not like it makes her horny anyway. If I can’t get my Game of Thrones fix, I’ll just play Call of Duty with the headset on and pretend I’m busy playing online.”
The Game of Thrones series has been a massive hit, especially with couples. The societal shift towards next to no actual human contact in favour of digital communication through social media and our true from the heart feelings delivered by our choice meme shares, it seems that TV series’ are the glue that is holding co-hab relationships together, so any Game of Thrones season finale is sure to bring turmoil to these relationships with its popularity among the idiot box zombies.
In a recent study by the EBACI: everything but a cure institute, people who watch reality television programs are more likely to be become murder victims. Professor Victor Radnor said: “People who watch these shows are less likely to read a book, further their learning in any way or do anything meaningful with their life – all that can take a real toll on someone’s naivety when faced with a machete welding maniac.
We asked Chelsea King, 23, from Southend, if she felt she would know what to do if ever faced with the imminent danger of a killer, Chelsea said: “If Jem gets off with Franco, Char’s gonna be well fuming at her”, giving a completely nonsensical, almost not on this planet answer to our question, we feel there might be some truth in Victor’s findings.
Victor: “We had a group of four specimens who all watched current realty shows. We put them in a comfy room and played their favourite reality show to them. All four showed non responses to the room door being smashed open, nor the heavy breathing behind them from our ex con serial killer Alex”
It seems then from the test results, that people who watch these reality shows are in fact just waiting to be murdered. It’s early days still so we cannot say whether watching love island will in fact lead to having a pickaxe plunged into your skull – but we wouldn’t risk it.
Despite healthcare cuts across the nation, Scotland’s government has put this at the forefront of their agenda for years and have finally managed to obtain funding for the world’s first square sausage rehab clinic. Davey from Possil said: “Av been at the square sausage since a wis a waen, it’s a hard habit tae break man, know wit a mean”.
Davey then goes on to recount incidents that have happened to him revolving around his addiction to the greasy square delight. “Av been chibbed, stabbed and lifted aw cause ay it, a once sold ma Ma’s Elvis’ albums fur a kilo fae the butchers and a loaf ay plain bread”
An avid Yes! supporter Ross McFae from Stirling said: “Yet another waste of Scottish tax payers Scottish money, methadone, now there’s something I’m happy to back” We were not sure if Mr McFae was suggesting methadone as a treatment for the square sausage crisis or if he was gagging for a few milligrams of the jungle juice himself.
The centre will open in Motherwell and take in its first residents next month. The government is hoping the location will be key too, with Motherwell having the highest number of heroin users in Britain, the government hopes seeing the sausage survivors will instill courage for the local smackhead populous.
Taxi Driver Kenny Jones had a fare to pick up just off Top Moor Side, however much to the residents surprise, Kenny swung into a space that did not stop the flow of traffic, and has been hailed a hero by the locals for it.
Despite Kenny being a white man in his 50’s and a born and bred local boy of Holbeck, one local racist on the matter said: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, usually them foreign bastards stop anywhere they like.”
Kenny said: “I only pulled in cause I couldn’t see the numbers.” So has Kenny’s 15 minutes of fame, came as a fluke for him?
Kenny maintains it won’t happen often, as he intends to make the most of his taxi badge, which he says: “Council gave me this badge and with it ownership of any road at any time.” We cannot confirm Kenny’s comments on the taxi badge myth, but we believe it just to be shite.
Customers of energy companies across Britain came home to find their usual quarterly electric and gas bills correct.
SSE customer, 72 year old retired chip shop owner, Roger Phillips of Stockport said: “I feel bleeding well let down by the company, my sons never call or visit anymore, so I look forward to talking to the nice young folk at the electric board, even if it does take an hour and 20 minutes to get through”
British Gas customer, a confused 19 year old Jenny, a student at Aston University said: “I’ve never really checked if it’s right or not, as I didn’t even know we had to pay a gas bill as the letting agents said it was all inclusive”
We spoke with a PR representative from SSE on the matter, James Taylor said: “We take complaints very seriously, whether it’s lonely old codgers or naive students getting bumped by their letting agents, we have a process for this stuff and we’ll get round to these people when we feel like it”
It’s more than apparent that the confusion of these correct utility bills is causing mass hysteria to the public. Remember to check yours.